I found thus that I had been a rich man without any damage to my poverty.
(Thoreau, Walden “Where I Lived, and What I Lived For”)
Is the waking, then,
not, also, a little death?
Moving back to time
from the elegance
& lawlessness of sleep-space,
rousing weary guilt
from the richness of
indolent & wayward thought,
petty desire.
The mind is as quick
to absolve as to place blame:
It’s only dreaming.
Knowing the richness
of absurdity only
temporarily,
dream melts away to
both regret & thankfulness.
Leaving only a
wakeful emptiness:
the familiar poverty
of consciousness.
[It's late. I should be sleeping. Everyone else here is. But something kept nagging. So I went ahead and wrote this. I may take it down in the morning, but for now, here it is.]
[Note: It was written in three line stanzas and then rearranged. Those stanzas were significant to the design of the poem during composition, but it reads more easily divided as it is now. Forgive me, I am trying to get out of my normal way of writing. Feel free to criticize this and the prior posts as well. Finally, good night.]
I know the late night nagging need of words well. I don't think this is worthy of being taken down, though I understand the impulse there, too. These are my questions:
ReplyDelete1) Why give up the three line stanzas? If I break it as I think you may have, you end each stanza with these words: time, guilt, desire, dreaming, temporarily, only, consciousness. Those are powerful end words and may read better than you think.
2) Are you meaning to suggest the fluidity of "states of" feeling/thought? The repetition of the suffix -ness suggests this, but those words are passive and less powerful than the active gerunds: waking, moving, dreaming, knowing, leaving. The juxtaposition of the two detracts from what could really be something strong.
Just a few ideas. Keep up the late grind, it works.
If I need to start a grassroots web campaign to save this poem, I will. Because it is that awesome.
ReplyDeleteI like the juxtaposition of the verb types because I think they allude to the heart of the poem. The -ings are all connected to or in consideration of the more active, desirable dream world while the -nesses are what's left in reality - a heavier existence. Subtle, and I wouldn't have noticed it, but awesome.
I like the line breaks this way, but I think that's because it makes it more like your "normal" style (which I like, but am not tired of yet by virtue of limited time), so if you're trying to break the mold, I could see it working that way too.
A great way to start my morning!
I think this is gorgeous...I'll join Amanda's campaign if need be. My own dreams are so odd, so visceral, so real, that I thoroughly enjoy the message here. This is another one that perfectly packs a punch at the end. (too many p's?) :)
ReplyDeleteThank you to the three of you!
ReplyDelete