A Long Hiatus

By the blessings of luck, location, and isolation, my family has remained healthy during this pandemic. Like many who have remained safe from the virus, this upheaval of the everyday has led me to much contemplation. As a result, I have been watching the birds more closely (now with the help of one more little, two not-so littles, and one great in-betweener) and I have been reading more by personal choice rather than by career. Curiously, I have not been attempting to write more often. I have decided to remedy that; I have decided to bring back this foolhardy blog. I have no hopes of a wider audience than it once had (maybe half a dozen?), but I am hopeful that it will provide the necessary impetus to start writing again. Wish me luck.

Thursday, After Ashes

“ […] How absurd

to still have a body in this rainbow-gored,

crickety world and how ridiculous to be given one

in the first place […]” Dean Young

Today’s epiphany is my own eyes

drawn to what might make them blind

a perfect orange marble, brightly hanging

& slowly rising toward every eventuality.

What a gift it is to see what you seek

& to know that it is something else as well,

before it disappears.

                                  Before the eyes

go finally blind; before the body, gifted,

is returned to dust—needed to feed

the orange glow for the eyes of others.

The Years Without (A Start?)

[The desire to have said something is not the same as having something to say.]

Somehow, the years without
fill up in ways that preserve
the serene emptiness
of physical loss.

Emotion is conserved,
or converted
into something else--
sometimes tears,
other times words,
often dispersed without
acknowledgement:
an unannounced shiver,
a prolonged look,
something unsuspecting,
suddenly realized across
dull time.

Just recently,
I've noticed the coyote
somehow less shy of the roadside--
and twice the saintly heron
has returned
to the once dry pond,
now silky with tall reeds,
crowding the center
like some green castle
rising up from its moat.

The comfort of the familiar,
slowly displaces what was;
what has disappeared
is only traceable as echo,
recorded in doubtful memory,
seared in scar tissue,
too easily hidden away.

Let there be ghosts.

May they return
as lights for us
to read one another's
upturned faces by.

Cinerum

“Now ravel up the roots of workman oak trees” Merton

Consider the root,
Instead of the branch:
Left to wither?

Each symbolic sacrifice
Traces a shadow circumference:
Ignoring the growth-ring?

If you were to see me,
Ash-carrier, brow-beat,
What story would construct itself?

As it is, there is only forgetfulness,
& a choice to struggle through:
a doubter hanging on to skeptical confidence.

All this while:
The root still clutches & the branch is yet to break,
Where come all these ashes?

Advent 1

Dumb as Oaks

It is wind that speaks,
not the branch, the leaves
now gone, silent unless
trampled. Cry out.

When the branch breaks
it is the ice that sounds
the crack. Its tiny fingers
cannot help but hold or fall.

Melt will be months coming,
a long hibernation, unslept,
beard grown to length,
urge quieted down to resolve.

What is it we wait for,
dumb as oaks, gone as the grass
beneath swayed hills of snowdrift?
Certainly, there is something in that light.

The slant the birds know means:
nearly there, just wait for the
winds to shift, the familiar call
of that place is home too:

That branch that won't break.

Empty Handed

The pleasure of
people standing
empty handed:

voices carrying
between bodies
or silence curling,

smoky breath, exhaling
into a thousand
possible utterances.

Exiting a building,
near sundown:
This world glows.

Fidelity

Secondly, I am not afraid because I love you,
But because I love you, I am afraid: what comes
Upon us all, sometime comes to one of us. It
Would not be fair to want it either way, the
Suffering internal, held up as sacrifice, or
External, to serve as best I could while you
Bear the burden for us both. An act of infidelity
Either way. Too much to ask for all to be well?
But when it strikes, it may not conquer, then:
Let it be me. Some part of me longs to suffer.
Only a fool admits this, in a poem or otherwise.
Worse still, with strength hardly tested beyond
Ache or strain. Then again, first things first,
How else can we know the limits of love than to
Make the promise that the body could never keep?

Letter 1, October 17th

Particularly when

turning the corner

around the pond,

dried by half—

even now—from

summer drought,

I am compelled

to expect to see

you :  magically

reflected in the

darkest shadow

of wing in water.

Sometimes a dream

sneaks through a

morning haze,

sun a quarter hour

high in the rounded

distance, like a

foggy road slow

to burn, your

face appears,

as saintly as

the tall blue bird

keeping warm

in the golden

slice of new light

in preparation

for a long flight.

Let me beg you:

don’t stay gone

too long this year.

Contemplation

Brother Leopold appeared to be stuck.

"Get the Prior."

"Get Fr. Thomas."

He just smiled. Looking at nothing. As if a set of scales covered his eyes. It was a strange look, but the smile was stranger.

When he came to, still smiling, he said: "We've been wrong all along."

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I'm practicing. Foundling Review is holding a 50 word story contest this summer. Details: http://www.foundlingreview.com/PachaasContest2.html

Proof

”[...] Everything in me
Wanted to bow down, to offer up,
To go barefoot, foetal and penitential,

And pray at the water's edge.”
[Seamus Heaney, ”Triptych” III: At the Water's Edge]


It wasn't the picture I was after,
the picture was proof.
The truth is: proximity was all
I desired.

That somehow closeness could prove
friendship, connection,community
led me to the side of the road,
against the barbed fence,
to the edge of the water.

Sometimes seeing is all prayer is.
Or is it: prayer is what seeing is?

Of the three prayers:
praise, forgive, & need,
I prefer the blue heron,
two legs in the water,
bill stabbing southward,
crown raised or fallen.

The moment wings stretch
into lazy flight is
prayer answered
& prayer denied.

There is no sense in waving
as you disappear.
But I have this picture,
& this poem as proof
against the slow current
of doubt.